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Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
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I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
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My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
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“
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
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I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
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