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“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”
Emo Philips quotes

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“I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.”
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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
Emo Philips quotes
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Forgiveness quotes.
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“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”
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“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
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“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
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Similar Quotes. About: Computers quotes.
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“I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”
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Similar Quotes. About: Men and Women quotes.
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“Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.”
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Similar Quotes. About: Time quotes, Murder quotes.
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“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
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“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."”
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“I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.”
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