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“
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
”
Str4wb3rry
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
Comedian
,
1968
-
2005
)
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“
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
”
Str4wb3rry
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
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1968
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2005
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“
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...
”
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Mitch Hedberg quotes
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“
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
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American
Comedian
,
1968
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2005
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“
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
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“
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
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American
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,
1968
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“
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
”
Str4wb3rry
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
Comedian
,
1968
-
2005
)
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“
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
Comedian
,
1968
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2005
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“
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
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Comedian
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1968
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2005
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“
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
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,
1968
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2005
)
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“
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
”
Mitch Hedberg quotes
(
American
Comedian
,
1968
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2005
)
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