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“Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

About: Funny quotes, Comedy quotes.

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“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Funny quotes, Bureaucracy quotes.

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“I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.”

Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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