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“The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.”
Emo Philips quotes

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“Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.”
Emo Philips quotes
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“I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."”
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“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."”
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“I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.”
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“Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something...”
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“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”
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“I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.”
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“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
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“I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”
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“Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?”
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