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“Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words”
Woody Allen quotes (American Actor, Author, Screenwriter and Film Director, b.1935)
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“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.”
Lynda Montgomery quotes
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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
Emo Philips quotes
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“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

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“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen quotes (American Actor, Author, Screenwriter and Film Director, b.1935)
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“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Jack Handey quotes (American Comic Writer, Comedian and Actor on SNL. Famous for his Deep Thoughts, b.1949)
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“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
Drew Carey quotes (American Comedian, b.1958)
Similar Quotes. About: Humor quotes, Funny quotes, Hate quotes, Jobs quotes.
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“A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed”

Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Men and Women quotes, Foolishness quotes, Women quotes.
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“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”
Rodney Dangerfield quotes (American Comedian, 1921-2004)
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“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
Will Shriner quotes (American Comedian, b.1953)
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Death and dying quotes.
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“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night”
Dave Barry quotes (American Writer and Humorist best known for his weekly newspaper column. b.1947)
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