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“In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.”
Emo Philips quotes

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“The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.”
Emo Philips quotes
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“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
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“I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.”
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“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”
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“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."”
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“I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.”
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“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
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“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
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“I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.”
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Similar Quotes. About: Men and Women quotes.
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